Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Emotional abuse is not OK
There comes a time in every person's life when he or she has to decide if God means what He says, as recorded in the Bible, or if we can decide for ourselves what God really meant to say when He spoke. Can we believe what the Bible says, or do we get to make it say what we think God probably meant, as it seems right to us?
If you have not yet come to that time in your life, you should now.
So, what do I mean when I say, "Woman is the crowning glory of all God's creation"? I mean exactly what God has said, as recorded in the following verse:
"For a man ... is the image and glory of God; but the woman
is the glory of man." ( I Corinthians 11:7)
God created woman from Adam, from life. Everything else He created including Adam was out of dirt, water, and other ingredients. He created life out of nothing. Yet Eve, was special, she was created out of Adam and then given to him as the crowning glory. Therefore God expects women to be respected and honored, cherished and loved by men. Which in turn deserves honor, respect, and love from the woman. Women have greater capabilities to love and nurture, which is why only women can become mothers. Why doesn't God mention our Heavenly Mother anywhere in the scriptures? Surely not because she doesn't exist, But because He knew in man's immaturity that he would blasmn and crucify Gods name, and he couldn't bare that to happen to her. She is cherished and protected.
Now, that being said: I want people to read this and honestly ask themselves "Am I being emotionally abused or am I being abusive to others, to my partner?
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior. Since I am a woman who has been a victim of emotional abuse will tend to assume the man is the abuser in relationships. However, I do acknowledge that there are women who become emotional abusers as well. In fact in many cases men who grow up to be emotional abusers to their partners were usually victims of emotional and/or physical abuse by their mothers.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Are you afraid of your partner?
One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.
Abusers usually are very selfish and self centered. They brainwash others into being control ed to serve as properties owned by the abuser.
THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)
1. The brain washer keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.
2. The brain washer controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brain washer.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
3. The brain washer creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
4. The brain washer works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brain washer puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
EFFECTS
OF LONG-TERM EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE
ON THE VICTIM
Isolation from others - Low self-esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - Illness - Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from real life into an Internet alternative reality
addendum:
I've seen variations of the below text on MySpace. It wasn't written specifically about this problem, but it struck me as a fairly accurate description of how impossible it is to interact with an emotional abuser. (Damned if you do, damned if you don't.)
If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.
The 7 mistakes victims make:
1) Turning a blind eye to his first unacceptable temper tantrums. You say that you do that because you love him. He interprets your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you have given him clear proof that you area doormat.
2) Trying over and over again to make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either in words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that he does not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering you his mission statement. Time to head for the hills.
3) Making excuses for him. Why would feel obliged to improve his behaviour when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to carry on behaving as badly, or worse, than he has done in the past.
4) Feeling responsible for him. The time comes when you say; "I've had enough. It's over." He's foreseen that day, and he's ready. He turns on the crocodile tears. He tells you that he can't live without you. It's taken this for him to discover how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he does need you to help him. You agree, and he's back on track. Once again, he has got you to carry him. Will he change? No.
5) Minimizing. He behaves like a heel, and you know it. But you tell yourself: "He had a difficult childhood." "He's had a hard time at work - or being out of work." "It's just the drink talking." Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour. He has no right to dump on you - until you let him.
6) Covering up. Your relationship is ghastly. But you don't want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That's collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because it will all stay behind closed doors. In fact, while you are playing Loyal Little Woman, he can be out spreading poison about you. If you change your tune, who do you think will be believed?
7) Believing in fairy tales. Of course, you don't consciously believe in fairy tales: you are a grown woman not a little girl, after all. But, unconsciously, you're still stuck acting out Beauty and the Beast. I don't know whether you met the Handsome Prince, or the Beast, first off. I do know who you are living with. Every last petal has dropped off that rose, the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the Beast is still a Beast. That's all he will ever be. Time to get real. And, if some other naïve woman, wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to bear in mind: in the real world, when you first get together with someone, they are on their best behaviour, they wear their most attractive mask. With abusers it is all one way from there: downhill. The behaviour degenerates, the mask drops, the result is a whole load of misery for you. Period.
The real mistakes that women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with faults or inadequacies. They are all about being too willing to carry on believing the best of someone who is trying very hard to show you just what a jerk he is. Abusive men don't give you too many gifts. Showing you just how unpleasant and callous they can be is the best gift you can have in a lousy situation. Accept it graciously, before your abusive partner keeps slamming it into your face. And move on.
One thing they never tell you in fairy stories is that the beautiful maiden doesn't actually need a man to be happy. She just thinks she does. But when she learns to be truly happy by herself, and for herself, she will attract a much better class of man than a Beast/Prince.
An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will "encourage" her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her, every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt, trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.
An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.
The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure.
Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic. If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgemental, or needy. Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours.
And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will likely punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you, sulking, disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving the party or function without notifying you.
Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in "punishing" the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind, the partner or household member "deserves" it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar.
for full artical visit this website:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
If you have not yet come to that time in your life, you should now.
So, what do I mean when I say, "Woman is the crowning glory of all God's creation"? I mean exactly what God has said, as recorded in the following verse:
"For a man ... is the image and glory of God; but the woman
is the glory of man." ( I Corinthians 11:7)
God created woman from Adam, from life. Everything else He created including Adam was out of dirt, water, and other ingredients. He created life out of nothing. Yet Eve, was special, she was created out of Adam and then given to him as the crowning glory. Therefore God expects women to be respected and honored, cherished and loved by men. Which in turn deserves honor, respect, and love from the woman. Women have greater capabilities to love and nurture, which is why only women can become mothers. Why doesn't God mention our Heavenly Mother anywhere in the scriptures? Surely not because she doesn't exist, But because He knew in man's immaturity that he would blasmn and crucify Gods name, and he couldn't bare that to happen to her. She is cherished and protected.
Now, that being said: I want people to read this and honestly ask themselves "Am I being emotionally abused or am I being abusive to others, to my partner?
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior. Since I am a woman who has been a victim of emotional abuse will tend to assume the man is the abuser in relationships. However, I do acknowledge that there are women who become emotional abusers as well. In fact in many cases men who grow up to be emotional abusers to their partners were usually victims of emotional and/or physical abuse by their mothers.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Are you afraid of your partner?
One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.
Abusers usually are very selfish and self centered. They brainwash others into being control ed to serve as properties owned by the abuser.
THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)
1. The brain washer keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.
2. The brain washer controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brain washer.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
3. The brain washer creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
4. The brain washer works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brain washer puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
EFFECTS
OF LONG-TERM EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE
ON THE VICTIM
Isolation from others - Low self-esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - Illness - Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from real life into an Internet alternative reality
addendum:
I've seen variations of the below text on MySpace. It wasn't written specifically about this problem, but it struck me as a fairly accurate description of how impossible it is to interact with an emotional abuser. (Damned if you do, damned if you don't.)
If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.
The 7 mistakes victims make:
1) Turning a blind eye to his first unacceptable temper tantrums. You say that you do that because you love him. He interprets your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you have given him clear proof that you area doormat.
2) Trying over and over again to make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either in words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that he does not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering you his mission statement. Time to head for the hills.
3) Making excuses for him. Why would feel obliged to improve his behaviour when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to carry on behaving as badly, or worse, than he has done in the past.
4) Feeling responsible for him. The time comes when you say; "I've had enough. It's over." He's foreseen that day, and he's ready. He turns on the crocodile tears. He tells you that he can't live without you. It's taken this for him to discover how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he does need you to help him. You agree, and he's back on track. Once again, he has got you to carry him. Will he change? No.
5) Minimizing. He behaves like a heel, and you know it. But you tell yourself: "He had a difficult childhood." "He's had a hard time at work - or being out of work." "It's just the drink talking." Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour. He has no right to dump on you - until you let him.
6) Covering up. Your relationship is ghastly. But you don't want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That's collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because it will all stay behind closed doors. In fact, while you are playing Loyal Little Woman, he can be out spreading poison about you. If you change your tune, who do you think will be believed?
7) Believing in fairy tales. Of course, you don't consciously believe in fairy tales: you are a grown woman not a little girl, after all. But, unconsciously, you're still stuck acting out Beauty and the Beast. I don't know whether you met the Handsome Prince, or the Beast, first off. I do know who you are living with. Every last petal has dropped off that rose, the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the Beast is still a Beast. That's all he will ever be. Time to get real. And, if some other naïve woman, wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to bear in mind: in the real world, when you first get together with someone, they are on their best behaviour, they wear their most attractive mask. With abusers it is all one way from there: downhill. The behaviour degenerates, the mask drops, the result is a whole load of misery for you. Period.
The real mistakes that women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with faults or inadequacies. They are all about being too willing to carry on believing the best of someone who is trying very hard to show you just what a jerk he is. Abusive men don't give you too many gifts. Showing you just how unpleasant and callous they can be is the best gift you can have in a lousy situation. Accept it graciously, before your abusive partner keeps slamming it into your face. And move on.
One thing they never tell you in fairy stories is that the beautiful maiden doesn't actually need a man to be happy. She just thinks she does. But when she learns to be truly happy by herself, and for herself, she will attract a much better class of man than a Beast/Prince.
An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will "encourage" her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her, every step of the way... he will play the "sad puppy" to the hilt, trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.
An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.
The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults!), and that if she doesn't live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure.
Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic. If confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame his partner for his lack of communication - it will always be her fault that he couldn't tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS behavior on her, and insist that he couldn't talk to her about what was bothering him because she was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgemental, or needy. Don't buy it. Those are HIS issues. Not yours.
And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will likely punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you, sulking, disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving the party or function without notifying you.
Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in "punishing" the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics - because in the abuser's mind, the partner or household member "deserves" it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar.
for full artical visit this website:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
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